


It’s Not My Birthday But I’ll Fuck If I Want To

by Sun-Moon-and-Talia (SMT)



Category: Frozen (2013)
Genre: Alcohol, Blacking Out, Comedy, Exhibitionism, F/M, Hans is an emotional drunk, Hurt/Comfort, Modern AU, PWP, Smut, like the tiniest of bits bc you know what drunk people are like lmfao, maybe a lil bit of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 09:52:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6279787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMT/pseuds/Sun-Moon-and-Talia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hans suddenly realised he was drunk and alone in a bathroom that wasn’t his, gloating at an inanimate object. He wondered if Anna was perhaps rubbing off on him just a bit too much" || Present for a friend's 21st Birthday||</p>
            </blockquote>





	It’s Not My Birthday But I’ll Fuck If I Want To

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tiatodd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiatodd/gifts).



Hans half-fell into the bathroom, wondering if the room was swaying or if it was just him. He took a few deep breaths and leaned against the door, trying to mentally tally up how many drinks he’d had that evening. He was sure it wasn’t that much; there was no way he could be drunk from… three...maybe five...or was it seven...? He cursed under his breath, realising he’d lost count somewhere. There was more humour in his voice than irritation, however, and he pressed a hand to his head, as if demonstrating to an invisible audience how utterly _hopeless_ he was. Oh well.

Water. Water would help. Hans made his way to the sink and turned on the tap, managing to catch only a few small mouthfuls of liquid before giving up and catching it in his palms to splash on his face instead. It certainly did help, and the coolth of the water granted Hans a sudden moment of clarity in amongst the sluggish thoughts rolling through his mind.

Hands still damp and eyes closed, he clutched at the sink, realising that he was, in fact, pretty damn drunk. He’d felt fine all the while he was sitting down, perhaps speaking a little louder, perhaps saying a few things that he normally would have kept to himself, but it wasn’t until he staggered to the bathroom that he realised how much the drink was affecting him. He’d actually had to lean on the wall a little bit for support, though he’d played it up for laughs when he’d passed someone coming back from the kitchen, pretending to slide down the wall as they walked past. He hoped they hadn’t turned back to see him practically crawl the rest of the way to the bathroom.

Hans was suddenly aware of the muffled sound of music and laughter drifting in from the other room, only emphasising the strange cotton-wool feeling in his brain. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, his gaze alighting on something brightly coloured resting next to the soap, which he’d somehow missed before.

Pencil. It was a pencil. But what was it doing here, in the _bathroom_? He frowned and picked it up, realising that it was in fact a _make-up_ pencil, not one for writing. Of course. That would be stupid.

He held the pencil closer, studying it. Purple. Such a _nice_ colour, he thought. A grin spread over his face as he realised that the eyeliner was the exact same shade as his tie – whoever owned it obviously had _exceptionally_ good taste. As he stared blearily at the object in front of him, an idea started to form at the edges of his mind, and whilst a small part of him tried to remain sensible, a much larger part assured him that putting the eyeliner on was an absolutely _splendid_ idea and that he should do it at once.

Blinking a few times at his reflection, he leaned forward and widened his stance a little, hoping it would help his balance. Applying it couldn’t be that difficult, surely? He’d seen Anna do it countless times before, and it didn’t seem to give her too much trouble…unless she was using liquid liner, that was. He giggled, thinking about the copious amounts of cursing that would always drift from the bathroom whenever Anna tried to use it.

Wait, right, yes, the eyeliner. Hans bit his lip, willing himself not to think about Anna’s colourful vocabulary as he brought the pencil up to his eye. Unfortunately, the image of Anna grumpily storming out of the bathroom to retrieve her make up remover popped into his head at the last second, causing him to snort suddenly and poke himself in the eye.

“ _Fuck!_ ” His giddiness subsided for a moment as he pressed his palm to his eye to help alleviate the pain. When it had faded, he reached for the pencil again, blinking quickly to try and get his focus back. He’d be damned if he was going to be beaten by a pencil, especially one the same colour as his tie. It was simply _not permissible_ , he thought to himself.

His second attempt was much more successful, and he managed to draw a wobbly line beneath the lower lashes of his left eye.

“Yeah, that’s right,” he muttered, smearing the pencil along his other eyelid. “You don’t fuck with a Westergaard,” he leaned back to triumphantly observe his work, putting his hands on his hips. “Because you will _lose._ ”

Hans suddenly realised he was drunk and alone in a bathroom that wasn’t his, gloating at an inanimate object. He wondered if Anna was perhaps rubbing off on him just a bit _too_ much…he could swear that he’d never done this sort of thing in the past…on the other hand, Hans could never fully remember exactly what he got up to whilst drunk, perhaps it was a quirk that only came out when he’d over-indulged. _Maybe he’d already had this exact train of thought before in someone else’s bathroom_.

Or maybe he’d just had too much to drink.

Hans probably would have continued staring pensively at the make-up in his hand had he not been interrupted by the door crashing open. It was Anna, red-faced and swaying slightly as she held onto the doorknob for whatever stability she could find, her other hand wrapped around the neck of a bottle.

“Oops,” she grinned, making a strange noise, somewhere between a giggle and a hiccup. “I didn’t realise you were’n here,”

“Anna!” he exclaimed, a wide grin breaking across his face. He was just... _so_ pleased to see her

“Shhhhhh!” she spluttered, turning around to slam the door behind her, falling against it in the process. “You have t’ be _quiet_!”

“Okay okay okay,” he whispered, his voice still far from quiet. “But Anna – Anna _look_!” He held the pencil aloft, gesturing to it wildly. “S’ the same colour as my _tie_!”

She blinked at him slowly before waving a hand dismissively. “Well of _course_ it is, silly-pants! It’s _mine_!”

“Yours?”

She bit her lip mischievously. “Maybe…. _Maybe_ I bought it cause it reminded me of your favourite tie,”

“Really?” He felt oddly touched by this, feeling a silly grin slip across his face. Must be the alcohol, he reasoned. He was sure something this simple could never cause him such a disproportionate amount of joy when sober.

“I thought we could match,” She giggled, batting her lashes, which Hans suddenly realised were lined in the same shade.

“Well, we _doubly_ match now,” He said, fluttering his eyes right back.

“ _Hans_!” She gasped, noticing his eyes. “You didn’t!”

“Hell _yeah_ , I did!”

“Oh god,” she breathed, hooking her arms around his neck. “You’re _hopelessss_ when you’re drunk,”

“S-says the person who practically fell through the door when they opened it,”

“Rude!” She gave an over the top, outraged gasp and stepped backwards, crossing her arms and pouting. “After all I’ve done for you!”

“Babe,” He said, swaying slightly. “I only pointed out how terribly _smashed_ you are. Hardly the grounds for a domestic. Espeshhhhially in someone’s bathroom.”

“A _domestic_!” She giggled. “Sorry, but I can’t… I can’t take _anything_ you say serioussly when you’re wearing eyeliner.” Another giggle escaped her lips. “ _My eyeliner_!!”

“Don’t you think I look rather dashing?” He struck a heroic pose, ignoring Anna’s not-so-quiet giggling.

“Dashing, you mean.”

“Dashing, right. I said dashing.”

“ _No_ , you said dashhhing,” She said, drawing the word out. Hans had no idea how much of it was supposed to be an impression and how much was Anna’s own alcohol-heavy tongue. “You’re getting a bit… _Sssssean Connery_ like.” She took a quick swig from the bottle she’d brought in with her, before winking at Hans and setting it down. “Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.”

“Tha’s... That’s…” Hans stopped and forced himself to pay attention to what he was saying. “ _That’s_ not even him, Anna. _He doesn’t even say that._ ”

For some reason, Anna messing up movie quotes felt like the funniest thing that had happened all night. 

“I was _joking_ ,” She slapped his arm as he hooted with laughter, but it only made him worse.

“Sean Connery,” He gasped, ignoring Anna’s pout.

He stood there laughing for a good while, until it dawned on him that Anna hadn’t moved… which was odd. Surely she was here for something. And how had she gotten in? He’d locked the door… hadn’t he? Hans shook his head, bemused.

“Wait...why are you in here, anyway?”

“I came to see where you’d got to. You’ve been gone for _ages_.”A smile had replaced the pout that she’d managed to maintain for an impressively long time. “I was getting lonely,”

He blinked.

“There’s a whole room of our friends out there…”

“But I wanted _you_ ,”

His eyebrow raised almost of its own accord as Anna peeped up coquettishly from under her lashes at him.

“I see,”

“Mmhmm, I thought you would.” She attempted to lean casually back against the door, misjudging the distance and falling against it instead. “Ow,” she winced.

Hans didn’t even bother trying to conceal his snort - wasn’t sure he’d be able to even if he tried - as he took a measured step forward, doing his best to appear in control, and not like he was on the edge of stumbling.

Anna didn’t even seem to notice, her lids drifting lower over her unfocused eyes as Hans hooked an arm round her and rubbed circles into where she had fallen against the door.

“You need to be more careful,” He breathed, lips inches from hers. He wasn’t sure if the alcohol he could smell was on his breath or hers.

“I’ll try,” she whispered, eyes trained on his mouth.

“No - Anna, _really_ ,” he pressed, all traces of humour gone. It was suddenly _very_ important to make Anna realise that she needed to take more care of herself, realise that she could get hurt one day, and that he wouldn’t know what to do with himself if that were to happen.

“No no no, Anna, you have to _promise_ me you’ll be careful,” He ignored her giggles as he sagged against her, draping himself over her in an awkward hug. “It’s not _funny_ \- you have t’ promise me. You have to promise that you won’t get hurt and leave me by myself - I couldn’t...”

He could feel tears prickling against his eyes and he buried his face into her neck, breathing in the familiar smell of her perfume.

“Are you crying?”

He nodded wordlessly, letting himself be comforted by her clumsily petting his hair.

“Ah,” She sunk down to the floor, Hans following as he clung to her still.

“You don’t have to worry about me,” She said, suddenly sounding a lot more sober. “In fact, you just _try_ and get rid of me.”

He let out a choked laugh as she pulled him tighter against her, and he couldn’t remember why he’d even been worried to begin with. All that mattered was that he was holding Anna - and she was holding _him_ \- and he didn’t want to let go.

“Besides,” She pulled back and cradled his flushed face in her hands. “I have you to take care of me, don’t I?”

He nodded, something dimly telling him in the back of his mind that he was going to be positively _mortified_ about this tomorrow, but right now he didn’t care; he wanted - needed - Anna to tell him everything would be alright, needed to know that she had faith in him, that he wouldn’t ever be alone and that - 

She grinned suddenly, her thumb swiping just below his eyes. “Your eyeliner’s smudged.”

“I think you mean _your_ eyeliner,” He chuckled weakly, before catching her hands and pulling them away from his face to rest between his palms. “And you’re making it worse!”

“No I’m not!”

“I bet I look a right mess,” he sniffled, a little bit pathetically.

“I think you look _great_!” She blurted, before blushing and pulling one of her hands away to fiddle with a strand of hair. “I - I mean, I think it really suits you.”

“Suits me?”

“Yeah, it looks really - um - great I mean…” She quickly slid away to the side, reaching for the bottle she’d snuck in with her. “You want a drink? Cause I need a drink.”

She didn’t even wait for his reply before tipping the bottle to her mouth, a blush already creeping down her neck.

“Whew, there we go!” She said, offering the bottle to Hans. “I was feeling just a _little_ bit too sober for a minute there and that just - “ She stopped suddenly, her eyes closing. “Yeah, there it is, I can feel it in my legs already. Guess I wasn’t sober at all haha…”

Hans glanced down at the bottle, realising that he had been feeling the same, like the buzz had worn off already, but even the smell of spirits wafting from the bottle seemed to remind him that no, there was still plenty of alcohol still in his system. Not that that was a reason to stop drinking, of course. He had a feeling he might need an excuse the next day for crying in his friend’s bathroom after putting on some of his girlfriend’s eyeliner. _One_ of these things he could deal with, but not both.

He took a few gulps, pleasantly surprised by the sweet taste of the contents, and only stopped when he felt Anna tugging on his arm.

“Don’t _hog_ it, Hans!” She chided, pulling it back from him.

Hans watched her fondly, noting the unlady-like way which she wrapped her lips around the bottleneck, and the slight drop of liquid that trickled from the corner of her mouth. He watched the droplet travel to her chin, and felt the fire from the drink make a descent of its own, from his throat to his belly to his - 

Oh.

He didn’t look Anna in the eye as he took the bottle back from her, taking a big gulp to try and distract himself, but ending up only choking on the alcohol instead.

“Goshhhh, are you okay?” She asked, leaning forward and heavily patting him on the back.

“I’m...fine...” He wheezed. He might be drunk in a bathroom, but he knew that being drunk and _turned on_ in someone’s bathroom was even worse, especially if Anna found out.

“What’s in there, anyway?” He asked, trying to distract her. “It’s better’n what I’ve been drinking all night.”

“Malibu and juice,” She replied, taking a few more gulps and sitting back against the door with a sigh, her eyes drooping again. “Elsa said mixing them together makes a Screaming Orgasm, but I don’t think it’s _that_ good.”

Hans nearly choked again, but he didn’t have the alcohol to hide it this time. Anna’s head lolled as she turned to stare at him blearily.

“Are you _sure_ you’re okay?”

“M’fine,” He mumbled, not quite meeting her eye.

“Maybe you could use a screaming orgasm of your own,” She let out a loud, slow laugh, clutching the bottle to her chest as she kicked her legs in mirth. She looked to him again, expecting to see him laughing along, but stopped when she saw his expression.

“Oh god, that’s it, isn’t it?” She breathed, taking a few tries to set the bottle down carefully before crawling over to him.

“No! No, it isn’t - “

“It _is_!” She squealed, pulling at the arm he had carefully draped over his lap; Hans fought to keep it in place but Anna managed to yank it up enough to get a peek of the bulge he was trying to conceal.

“ohmygoddddd, it _issssss!_ ” She clapped a hand over her mouth as if she couldn’t quite believe it.

“Look, I just - we _can’t..._ ” Hans was having some trouble remembering just _why_ they couldn’t, as his head swam and Anna leaned in closer to him, her teeth tugging on her bottom lip.

“Flynn!” He exclaimed, holding on to dear life the reason he knew that they shouldn’t do this as she clambered into his lap. “Flynn will _kill_ us if we f-fffool around in his bathroom...”

This did little to dissuade Anna, and she merely giggled instead. “Punz’ll bring him round,” She mumbled, tugging on his already loosened tie to leave sloppy kisses on his neck.

“Anna,” He whined, tipping his head back nevertheless. “We’re gonna get in trouble.”

She let out another laugh and leaned back, groping for the bottle. She spilled even more this time as she drank, rivulets running down her neck and collecting in in her cleavage.

“Fffffuck,” She stopped drinking and looked down at the mess she’d made. Hans watched, mesmerised, as she hiccuped and her breasts bounced in time.

“So,” She smirked, catching his expression. “wanna finish it off?”

He took the bottle from her and drained it, the taste of alcohol suddenly jumping up a notch in the last gulp, further warming his already flushed skin. He let the empty bottle fall to the floor with a clatter - thankfully not a smash - as Anna pulled his head up for him to meet her gaze, her hands slightly too rough in her haste.

“That’s not what I - “ She’s cut off by another hiccup, and Hans’ eyes are drawn to her chest again. “That’s not what I meant,”

All thoughts of protest forgotten, he lowered his head to her sticky skin and lapped at the traces of sweet liquid. His tongue felt heavy and uncooperative but Hans could swear he could feel every one of Anna’s goosebumps as he pulled her dress down, nosing between her breasts as he fought to locate every last drop. She wrinkled the back of his shirt as she clutched at him, doing her best to keep still, but every hiccup felt as if she were thrusting into him and he can’t help but moan against her skin. The sound is echoed by Anna as he drew closer to one of her taut nipples, and his attentions turn to open-mouthed kisses as he fought to capture the symphony of Anna’s cries with his lips.

He succeeded in an unexpected way when Anna suddenly wrenches his face upwards to pull him into a kiss, moaning into his mouth and nipping at his lower lip so she can claim his cries right back. She bit harder than intended when she hiccupped again unexpectedly but Hans merely smirks around her teeth at the petulant noise she made right after.

She pulled away, lips pursed in a futile attempt to keep the hiccups at bay, and set to fumbling with his buttons, brows furrowed in increasing frustration. He lifted his hands to try and help, but they’re quickly slapped away and relocated to her hips, where Hans lets them wander lower before squeezing. She gasped just as she hiccuped again, and Hans found himself oddly delighted by the sound.

He glanced down to see that Anna has finished with the last button of his shirt. She didn’t even bother to unknot his tie, instead she just pulled his shirt open and skimmed her hands up over his stomach to rest on his chest, her uncoordinated fingers idly tracing undefined patterns against the flow of hair.

His limbs were heavy, so he simply sat there, head nodding slightly, enjoying Anna’s hands roaming his chest as his eyes start to close of their own accord. The unexpected sensation of Anna starting to grind in his lap made him start, and his eyes opened to see her grinning devilishly at him.

“Oh, you’re asking for it now,” He mumbled, starting to hitch her dress higher, but she clamped her hands over his and leaned close, her shallow breaths rushing into his ear and making him shiver.

“ _Finally_ , you notice,”

He couldn’t seem to think of a reply, so he pulls her in for another kiss, hoping to stop himself from saying anything more stupid. She didn’t seem to mind, seemingly glad to occupy her lips with something other than words.

Anna rocked back and forth slightly, savouring the friction and anticipation all at once. Her hiccups still hadn’t gone and she lightly circled one of Hans’ nipples before pulling away to press the back of her hand against her mouth, hoping to both muffle the hiccups and conceal her smile at Hans’ whimper.

She’s always so _smug_ when she thinks she’s _winning_ , and Hans wasn’t going down without a fight; he’d spotted the door she’d been leaning against earlier and knew that he just _had_ to fuck her against it. If he’s lucky, the whole house will hear them.

 _So much for Flynn_ , a small part of him tried to say, but a much louder part assured Hans that this is something he certainly will _not_ regret in the morning. Definitely. 

He made sure Anna’s arms were hooked around his neck, and staggered to his feet, grunting as Anna’s legs clamped around his waist, trying not to let himself get distracted by the heat pressing into his lower stomach where his shirt had been unbuttoned.

He shook his head to try and clear the fog creeping in around the edges of his vision and pitched forwards.

“Hans what are you - you can barely walk strai - _ahh!_ ” She cried out as he slammed her against the door, and even through the haze Hans could tell it wasn’t entirely from pain.

“Up against a wall, huh?” She whispered, tightening her grip around his neck. “I _love_ it when you can’t control yourself.”

Hans grunted in reply, trying to focus on both undoing his jeans and supporting Anna while she squirmed.

“W-wait, I’ve still got my tthings on…”

Anna had to let herself down from his hips to awkwardly shimmy out of her underwear, and Hans made sure to grab her whenever she swayed too much, though he wasn’t really sure how much help he was so far as balance was concerned.

He watched her kick the small heap of fabric into a corner and quickly buried his face in her shoulder to muffle his snort.

“God, don’t start this again,”

“What?” He asked, trying to distract her by nibbling at her neck.

“If you… _hmm…_ if you’re laughing too hard to finish… _again…_ I’m not gonna be happy.”

He might have usually been ashamed, but instead merely let out another laugh and sensed rather than saw Anna roll her eyes.

“Tell you what…” He brushed his lips over her jawline as he drew back. “If that happens again I promise - I _promise_ \- I’ll let you punish me. Any way you want.”

He saw something in her eyes flash and her lips were at his neck again.

“Promise?” She spoke directly onto the damp spots of skin she’d left behind, leaving goosebumps in her wake and making Hans shiver delightfully.

“Absolutely,”

Taking that as the answer she needed, Anna grasped at his shoulders and wrapped her legs around his hips, encouraging him to press her against the door again, but not before she’d tugged down the waistband of his boxers to free his erection.

Hans shifted in anticipation, squirming almost as much as Anna as as she pulled her dress further up her thighs. He groaned as she sunk down onto him and the hitch of her breath made him thrust into her sooner than he should have, earning him a whimper this time; he kissed it away until Anna’s hands started to tug at his hair, urging him to move again.

Hans felt that he had slightly underestimated the volume at which the door would rattle each time he thrust his hips against Anna’s, and his last remaining shred of sense urged him to tone it down. He didn’t want to bruise Anna too badly, either.

At least, not tonight.

He forced himself to be gentle, but soon noticed Anna’s head had begun to loll, and her grip was beginning to slacken.

“Falling ‘sleep? How’s that s’posed to make me feel?” He was flushed and sweating, trying to remember why he was even so focused on being quiet to begin with.

“That you’re not being rough enough, s’like you’re rocking me to sleep – “

“I’ll remember that next time you say you want it nice and slow,” He grunted, slamming into her with greater force., noise be damned. “Trying to go easy on you…”

“And I’ve told you before,” her words were breathless, coming in short bursts as she was caught between the door and his thrusts. _”Don’t.”_

Hans could hear music again, and realised the others must have turned it up to cover up the noise they were making; even if they couldn’t hear the door, there was no way they could ignore the increasing volume of Anna’s cries as he fucked her.

“Oh god,” He’d opened his eyes to see Anna’s flushed face and glassy eyes, and the sight of her looking so debauched had tipped him over the edge. “ _Fuck_ ,”

He gave a last few heavy thrusts into her, dimly aware that Anna’s hadn’t finished yet.

“‘M sorry,” It was her turn to support Hans as he sagged against her, effectively pinning her against the wall.

A content sleepiness has settled over him but he could still feel Anna practically humming with anticipation as she stroked his hair. “S’okay, you can just finish me off,” She grabbed his hand and guided it lower, but he couldn’t feel anything, and her voice only seemed to be getting fainter.

“Hans... _Hans_?”

\--

He awoke to the feel of a cool cloth on his forehead and hard floor beneath him.

“Where’m I?” He mumbled.

“Oh good, you’re awake.”

He opened his eyes to see Anna hovering above him, looking mighty pissed off.

“You’re still in the bathroom with me. You passed out. I had to finish myself off.” She was frowning, and her voice was harsh, but the hand dabbing as his face with the cloth was gentle.

“Oh _nooooooo_. Anna. Anna I’m _so_ sorry - “

“Punz has been knocking.” She cut him off, her mouth still set in a thin line.

He thought back to the noise they’d been making and laughed, fighting desperately to keep it back.

“We’ve been in here an hour, apparently.” She carried on, ignoring him. “I had to pretend like I was being sick.”

He imagined Anna by the door, making pretend retching noises. The laughter came back, and this time he couldn’t stop it.

“I - I think they _know_ , Anna.” He wheezed. “I think they know what we did.“

Anna looked down at him, her hands squishing her cheeks, before a grin split across her face, and her laughter joined his.

“You know, I think you’re right.” She leaned over and brushed a stray strand of hair away from his face. “Though I don’t know why _you’re_ laughing.”

She looked down at him, her laugh transforming into something slightly different from mirth.

“You promised me. And now I owe you a punishment.” She pushed herself off from the floor, collecting her discarded lingerie from the corner before stopping at the door and looking back, mischief dancing in her eyes.

“I’ll see you outside.”

**Author's Note:**

> I *think* I've fixed the tense errors? If you spot any, please let me know! For some reason, writing drunk people messes up my grammar and writing comprehension even more than usual!


End file.
